Story: who loved you
Year: Various
Characters: Nolani
Warnings: References to underage sex and adultery



you ask yourself, who loved you?


which is a stupid question, you acknowledge--or, rather, it is far too broad, too general; it must needs fragment in order to be answered.


this is true even when setting aside the other kinds of love the question is clearly, by implication, not asking about, the mother-love, sister-love, city- and country- and duty-love, because you know you love them all.


there's room for that and more in the cavernous pool that is your heart.


but when you ask yourself, who loved you, what you really mean is the kind of love that rarely needs qualification, but it's too...big, too much, to be answered by a simple list of hands touching hands and warm kisses and caresses.


so, when you ask yourself, who loved you, you break the question into bits.


first, you ask who touched you, and for that, your mind flits to your first, menira with her warm hands and saucy tongue, fifteen like you, but more than ready to experiment.


you sometimes wonder what menira made of her life--you lost touch, and it makes you sad.


then, you ask who needed you and for that, it would be oliru, with his sad eyes and broken heart from too many lovers seeking his fortune, not his self.


oliru, you know, moved on from you to his eventual wife, with whom you like to think he's happy--you like to think you made a difference in his life.


then, you ask who wanted you and that, you laugh, is too long a list to mention.


they all wanted you, after all, and it isn't vanity that makes you say it.


...well, mostly it isn't vanity.


the problem, you realize, when you break the question down to its component parts, is that it doesn't come up with the two most important--and maybe love, this love--even though one isn't quite the Love that comes with a capital L--is just that grand, just that big, that even if it's too broad, it can't be qualified any further.


you mean, of course, lonura, and andrell--your other heart, your husband; your dearest friend, the father of your child; the ones you cannot live without.


you smile, and you think of them, and you know--yes.


that is the answer.


you ask yourself, who loved you, and you answer--they all did, but mostly it was them.