It Matters
Nov. 23rd, 2012 04:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
feredarStory: It Matters
Year: 992 FY
Characters: Kes Hantree, Taz Hantree, Dallu
Warnings: Backstory deathwish due to death of a close friend/family member/companion, internalized ostracism
Why does it matter?
You have no idea. No idea what he meant to her. What any ship means to his or her captain, to his or her crew. Maybe it's different for me--because I'm Unthreaded, because I'm not a captain, but...
When it all went to hell, when Dallu had smashed everything to Hell and back, but it was too late, too late for us, for my sister, for the Morning Glory...
He was sinking, and my sister was...
You don't know what their ships mean to them. What our ships mean to us, I mean.
She kept her head, sort of, as much as any captain can when her ship is going down. She organized the evacuation to the boats as best she could, she told Dallu to get the enemy admiral--we couldn't lose him, either to death or his allies--and she was staying behind. Of course she was staying behind--this was the Glory, her glory, her godsdamned ship. She couldn't leave him to die alone.
Because that's what it means for us, you see. Leaving a family member--a beloved family member--to die alone.
It didn't--well, it did, because my sister loves Dallu, too--but it didn't seem to matter to her what losing her would do to him. Losing the Glory hurt him, too, of course. He was his ship, almost as much as hers; he'd poured so much of his life into this ship, this crew, this life. But he was there for my sister, first and foremost. Because it's different for the navigators. They tie themselves to ships, of course, but they really tie themselves to captains.
So I did something that...well, it's not disallowed, but I understand why the others look at me a little oddly, even if you don't. Because I couldn't stand the hurt to Dallu, and I didn't want to lose my sister. And I guess it's like they always said--I'm less of an Islander, because I'm an air-mage. But I loved my ship, I love my family, I love my Clan, and even if we had to lose the Glory--maybe even especially without him--we didn't need to lose my sister, too.
Ships are part of our families, too. They're people, they have personalities and little quirks and--I guess it helps, actually, my being just a little different. I don't think anyone else could really explain this to you. But the Morning Glory was as much a member of our Clan as my sister is. And she wanted to go down with him, and everyone understood that she did. And I guess even I did, a little bit, too. I just couldn't stand watching her go.
So, you see, it's my fault my sister left the Clan, went North with Dallu after talking Grandfather into letting her marry him, despite him being not even an Islander, let alone a Hantree. Because I didn't let her stay with the Glory in his final moments. Does that make sense to you now? At all?
It matters. It matters a whole hell of a lot. Especially since...well, I didn't get what I wanted after all. We still lost Taz.
But she's alive somewhere. For me, that's enough. And I thank the gods every day that my big sister is still alive somewhere, with her husband and maybe even a kid or two, someday. Something that might make her happy, even with the Glory gone, without anyone holding his hand, so to speak.
...can you do me a favor?
If you see her, can you ask if she's forgiven me?
Year: 992 FY
Characters: Kes Hantree, Taz Hantree, Dallu
Warnings: Backstory deathwish due to death of a close friend/family member/companion, internalized ostracism
Why does it matter?
You have no idea. No idea what he meant to her. What any ship means to his or her captain, to his or her crew. Maybe it's different for me--because I'm Unthreaded, because I'm not a captain, but...
When it all went to hell, when Dallu had smashed everything to Hell and back, but it was too late, too late for us, for my sister, for the Morning Glory...
He was sinking, and my sister was...
You don't know what their ships mean to them. What our ships mean to us, I mean.
She kept her head, sort of, as much as any captain can when her ship is going down. She organized the evacuation to the boats as best she could, she told Dallu to get the enemy admiral--we couldn't lose him, either to death or his allies--and she was staying behind. Of course she was staying behind--this was the Glory, her glory, her godsdamned ship. She couldn't leave him to die alone.
Because that's what it means for us, you see. Leaving a family member--a beloved family member--to die alone.
It didn't--well, it did, because my sister loves Dallu, too--but it didn't seem to matter to her what losing her would do to him. Losing the Glory hurt him, too, of course. He was his ship, almost as much as hers; he'd poured so much of his life into this ship, this crew, this life. But he was there for my sister, first and foremost. Because it's different for the navigators. They tie themselves to ships, of course, but they really tie themselves to captains.
So I did something that...well, it's not disallowed, but I understand why the others look at me a little oddly, even if you don't. Because I couldn't stand the hurt to Dallu, and I didn't want to lose my sister. And I guess it's like they always said--I'm less of an Islander, because I'm an air-mage. But I loved my ship, I love my family, I love my Clan, and even if we had to lose the Glory--maybe even especially without him--we didn't need to lose my sister, too.
Ships are part of our families, too. They're people, they have personalities and little quirks and--I guess it helps, actually, my being just a little different. I don't think anyone else could really explain this to you. But the Morning Glory was as much a member of our Clan as my sister is. And she wanted to go down with him, and everyone understood that she did. And I guess even I did, a little bit, too. I just couldn't stand watching her go.
So, you see, it's my fault my sister left the Clan, went North with Dallu after talking Grandfather into letting her marry him, despite him being not even an Islander, let alone a Hantree. Because I didn't let her stay with the Glory in his final moments. Does that make sense to you now? At all?
It matters. It matters a whole hell of a lot. Especially since...well, I didn't get what I wanted after all. We still lost Taz.
But she's alive somewhere. For me, that's enough. And I thank the gods every day that my big sister is still alive somewhere, with her husband and maybe even a kid or two, someday. Something that might make her happy, even with the Glory gone, without anyone holding his hand, so to speak.
...can you do me a favor?
If you see her, can you ask if she's forgiven me?